Maybe That Explains It

My last post about the loyalty race fans feel toward their favorite driver(s) made me wonder what things would be like if fans went so far as to emulate their drivers in real life. With that in mind, and having absolutely nothing better to do, I put together the following list.

A Jimmie Johnson fan is the guy who would shoot across six lanes of freeway traffic, cut you off, and then flip you the bird because you had the audacity to be in the lane he wanted to be in.

A Tony Stewart fan, while trying to merge into traffic, would drive right into the side of your car if it took you more than five seconds to give him some room.

A Jeff Gordon fan is the guy who does all sorts of bad things to people, but he always comes through it smelling like a rose because people don't believe he'd ever behave that way.

A Dale Earnhardt Jr fan would be voted most popular in any contest, but would never actually accomplish anything in his life.

A Rusty Wallace fan would steal your morning donut from you every day for a year, but then go whine to the boss if you stole his donut just once - even if it was an accident.

A Mark Martin fan could inherit ten million dollars and then complain that it wasn't twenty million.

A Kurt Busch fan would tell you how badly he was gonna kick your butt, then run to his mommy if you tried to start a fight.

A Boris Said fan would have a really bad haircut.

A Joe Nemechek fan would be the front runner to win any election in which he ran, but would fall out about halfway through.

A Greg Biffle fan is the guy who would win the above mentioned election in a land slide, and you didn't even realize he was running.

You could break into a Sterling Marlin fan's house, steal all his stuff (including his dog), call and tell him you did it and he'd say it was, "just one of those deals, no hard feelings".

A Jamie McMurray fan would be air headed enough to always fall for the old "pull my finger".

A Carl Edwards fan is the guy who could work as a sewer cleaner and be happy about it.

A Bobby Labonte fan is the guy who would finally land an interview with his dream company for his dream job, but a power outage would prevent his alarm clock from going off the morning of the interview.

A Michael Waltrip fan is the loud guy at every party, and he's funny as hell until he starts trying to be funny, then he's annoying as hell.

A Kenny Wallace fan is very similar to a Michael Waltrip fan, but he's never funny.

A Ricky Rudd fan is the guy who always seems to find himself in the right place, but at the wrong time.

A Matt Kenseth fan is the very successful guy who puts you to sleep when he makes a speech.

A Dale Jarrett fan is the very nice person who has always been willing to offer you a little advice, but one you don't dare cross because you know he'll kick the living crap out of you if you do.

Last, but certainly not least, a Kevin Harvick fan is the guy who will accuse you of stealing his morning newspaper even if you have no clue where he lives.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

NASCAR fans are a passionate lot, make no mistake about it. The vast majority of us have a favorite driver, and we are fiercely loyal to that driver, the team he drives for and the company that sponsors him. You've probably seen the slogan (or variations of it), "NASCAR, not a sport, but a way of life", and how can anyone argue with that since our shopping habits are dictated by the guy we root for on race day?

Not only do we buy the products produced or sold by our drivers' sponsors, but we'll go so far as to refuse to even think about buying something from a competitor. Faced with a clogged toilet, a Tony Stewart fan would pee in the trash can before he'd buy a plunger from Lowe's, and a Dale Jarrett fan would probably seriously consider walking cross-country to hand deliver a package before using FedEx (especially considering the fact that FedEx's representative on the track usually finds himself in a wadded up mess).

A Rusty Wallace fan would drink sewer water before he'd drink anything but Miller Lite (although some people will argue that the sewer water would probably taste better), a Jamie McMurray fan will push his car home before stopping at Shell, and no true Elliott Sadler fan would ever even think of eating a Reeses' Piece(s). Greg Biffle fans have absolutely no use for Quizno's, and if you ever see a Casey Mears fan shopping at Wal-Mart, it's a pretty safe bet that he's recently suffered a sharp blow to the head and doesn't know where he is (although it'll be tough to pick him out of the crowd since most of the people shopping there match that description). A Matt Kenseth fan will chew his way through a board before using anything but DeWalt tools and, on a totally unrelated note, the odds of a Mike Bliss fan using AOL are the same as the odds of Mike Bliss actually having a fan - net zero.

You'll never see a Michael Waltrip fan at Advance Auto Parts, and you'll never see a Dale Earnhardt Jr fan drink anything but Bud (if only because the empty Bud cans have been proven - by Dale Jr's fans - to be quite easy to throw onto a track). A Kurt Busch fan (Crown Royal) would never think of touching a drop of Southern Comfort (which is a wise decision, fan or not), a Robby Gordon fan would deal with the chafing from his Levi's before wearing Hanes underwear and a Carl Edwards fan would jot notes on his stomach (the fan's stomach, not Carl's) before going to Staples to buy Post-Its.

We are definitely a loyal lot, and any company that chooses to sponsor our favorite drivers will always be able to count on us spending our money on its products and services, even if it means driving a few hundred miles out of our way.

Oh, and for anyone that was waiting for a Mark Martin reference, there wasn't a chance in hell I was gonna go there.