NASCAR Headlines We'll Never See

We see tons of NASCAR articles everyday, but there are some headlines we'll never see written, which may be for the better or for the worse.

Edwards: Stewart Too Polite
"Tony Stewart is a great driver and a great guy,", said Carl Edwards, "but he's never going to be successful until he learns to stop being so darn nice on the track all the time."

France: We Value Our Fans' Opinions
In a major announcement, NASCAR CEO Brian France announced today that NASCAR will begin soliciting opinions from fans when considering making changes to the sport.

Johnson: Totally My Fault
Following the wreck, which took out six other cars, Jimmie Johnson said, "That was totally my fault and I apologize to everyone I wrecked."

Bill France, Jr: My Son Brian Is An Idiot

Michael Waltrip Wins 2007 Cup Championship

Kenseth Retiring To Become Standup Comedian

Marlin: Time To Lose The Hairpiece

Mark Martin: I Was Only Kidding About That Retirement Thing

Jack Roush: NASCAR Has Always Treated Me Fairly
"They (NASCAR) have always treated me fairly and with the utmost respect," Roush said. "I have nothing to complain about."

Yates To Field Chevy's In 2008

New Book: "A Guide To Using Proper English", by Larry McReynolds

Kurt Busch Voted Most Popular Driver

Kyle Busch Voted Most Popular Driver

Dale Jr: My Life As A Mormon

Ryan Newman Gets Neck Extension

Fans In The South Welcome Toyota With Open Arms

Fearing Overexposure, NASCAR Scales Back TV Coverage

Knaus: We Can't Win If I Don't Cheat

Talladega Infield Rated Calmest In NASCAR

Mike Helton: Appealing To The Masses Matters More Than Competition

Citing Fan Boredom, Bristol Converted To Road Course

New Hampshire Closed; Races Moved to Rockingham and North Wilkesboro

Pocono Closed; Races Moved To Darlington and Kentucky

Bill France, Jr: I REPEAT; My Son Brian Is An Idiot

Dan Williams Wins Pulitzer For NASCAR Coverage

Silly Season, Anyone?

We're halfway through the Cup season, and the rumor mill is already running at a very high level. The second half of this season, as well as the off season, should bring more driver/crew chief/team/sponsor/rule changes than we've seen in a long, long time.

We already know that Ganassi Racing will be replacing Sterling Marlin with David Stremme. I guess they decided old laid back Sterling doesn't get pissed off enough when he gets wrecked, so they decided to promote a known hot head. (That's HOT head, this is Stremme we're talking about, not Hmiel.) It was also announced that the team offered Sterling a lucrative "personal services" contract. (And here I thought "personal services" were illegal everywhere but parts of Nevada.) What it means, basically, is that Sterling would get paid to do pretty much nothing. It should leave him well groomed to run for Vice-President of the U.S. at some point in the future.

The other Ganassi driver on the hot seat has been Casey Mears, but he was reportedly told, by Chip Ganassi, "Hey, I have a plan, and you're in it." What is not known is whether Chip was talking about the race team, or simply deciding who was going to make a Taco Bell run.

Lots of rumors are centered around DEI, and understandably so, given that organization's tendency this season to often look like NASCAR's version of the Beverly Hillbillies. About the only thing certain in the DEI camp is that Dale Jr will be back next season even if he doesn't want to be back next season. Depending on the time of day, Michael Waltrip is either a lock or a long shot to come back next season. Considering the fact that Michael's ahead of Jr in the standings and looks like a strong possibility to make the Chase for the Championship, it would seem foolish for DEI to let him go, but foolish has been the unofficial slogan for DEI ever since we lost its visionary and creator, Dale Earnhardt.

The other DEI driver hitting the rumor pages lately is Martin Truex Jr. Once considered a lock to take over the #1 car full time next year, Truex is now supposedly being courted by Penske South to take over the #2 car when Rusty Wallace retires at the end of the season. I'm sure many variables will come into play as Truex makes his decision, but he's a young guy, so which do you think sounds more fun to him - sponsorship from Bass Pro Shops or Miller Lite? Free bait or free beer? Good luck at Penske, Martin.

With Mark Martin retiring, the #6 car is another high profile ride soon to be vacated, and owner Jack Roush either doesn't have a solid plan in place yet for that car, or he's playing it very close to the vest. The big names mentioned so far as possibilities are Ryan Newman, Ricky Rudd and Sterling Marlin. Newman is a long shot at best, so that leaves (theoretically, anyway) Sterling or Ricky. With Viagra leaving as sponsor at the end of the 2005 season, who will step forward to sponsor a #6 car driven by Rudd or Marlin? Depends or the Hair Club for Men?

Georgia Pacific will not be back as sponsor of Kyle Petty's car next season. When you think about it, the most appropriate sponsor for the #45 car would be PreparationH, since both the car and the ointment can usually be found at the rear.

Rumors continue to circulate that Jason Leffler will soon be replaced in the #11 FedEx machine, and while sources at Joe Gibbs Racing continue to deny those rumors, I'm sure they took note of the fact that Terry Labonte, driving the #11 car in a one race deal last weekend at Sonoma, finished in 12th place. This was only the second time this season that the #11 had finished inside the top fifteen. Despite anything anyone at JGR has to say, this is a sponsor driven sport, and I'm sure FedEx would like to see a driver in their car who is capable of getting there ahead of everyone else on occasion. Leffler has done more to inspire people to use UPS than Dale Jarrett has, and Dale has done a lot.

What else? Well, it was rumored this week that, with the possibility that either Jeff Gordon or Dale Earnhardt Jr (or both) might miss the Chase by falling below the 400 point threshold, NASCAR might "adjust" the rules a little to make sure they make it in anyway, possibly with the addition of a driver voted into the Chase by the fans. When interviewed, NASCAR CEO Brian France said there was absolutely no way the sanctioning body would do that, but it is also rumored that France was crossing his fingers and his toes when making that statement, just in case.

I'll guarantee you that the "Silly Season" is just getting warmed up, and we'll see lots of changes between now and the 2006 Daytona 500. The only thing we can reliably count on will be Jimmie Johnson and Kurt Busch continuing their knock down, drag out fight to see who can be most hated by race fans. (My money's on JJ in this one.)

It'll Only Take You A Minute Or So

First off, sorry for being so slow to post any new stuff. I know that there are many (and by many, I of course mean more than one) people who check this site at least a few times a week to see my most recent mindless posts, but lately, real life has been slowing me down a little. I do plan to add some new posts within the next day or so, and hopefully with a little more regularity than the past couple weeks.

But for now, I hope you'll indulge me in furthering a great cause. There is a movement afoot to save North Wilkesboro Speedway - one of the late, great forgotten NASCAR tracks - and I ask you to take just a moment of your time to go to the website of the gentleman who is spearheading this effort and sign his petition. It won't cost you a penny, but he'll thank you a million times. I thank you as well.

Maybe That Explains It

My last post about the loyalty race fans feel toward their favorite driver(s) made me wonder what things would be like if fans went so far as to emulate their drivers in real life. With that in mind, and having absolutely nothing better to do, I put together the following list.

A Jimmie Johnson fan is the guy who would shoot across six lanes of freeway traffic, cut you off, and then flip you the bird because you had the audacity to be in the lane he wanted to be in.

A Tony Stewart fan, while trying to merge into traffic, would drive right into the side of your car if it took you more than five seconds to give him some room.

A Jeff Gordon fan is the guy who does all sorts of bad things to people, but he always comes through it smelling like a rose because people don't believe he'd ever behave that way.

A Dale Earnhardt Jr fan would be voted most popular in any contest, but would never actually accomplish anything in his life.

A Rusty Wallace fan would steal your morning donut from you every day for a year, but then go whine to the boss if you stole his donut just once - even if it was an accident.

A Mark Martin fan could inherit ten million dollars and then complain that it wasn't twenty million.

A Kurt Busch fan would tell you how badly he was gonna kick your butt, then run to his mommy if you tried to start a fight.

A Boris Said fan would have a really bad haircut.

A Joe Nemechek fan would be the front runner to win any election in which he ran, but would fall out about halfway through.

A Greg Biffle fan is the guy who would win the above mentioned election in a land slide, and you didn't even realize he was running.

You could break into a Sterling Marlin fan's house, steal all his stuff (including his dog), call and tell him you did it and he'd say it was, "just one of those deals, no hard feelings".

A Jamie McMurray fan would be air headed enough to always fall for the old "pull my finger".

A Carl Edwards fan is the guy who could work as a sewer cleaner and be happy about it.

A Bobby Labonte fan is the guy who would finally land an interview with his dream company for his dream job, but a power outage would prevent his alarm clock from going off the morning of the interview.

A Michael Waltrip fan is the loud guy at every party, and he's funny as hell until he starts trying to be funny, then he's annoying as hell.

A Kenny Wallace fan is very similar to a Michael Waltrip fan, but he's never funny.

A Ricky Rudd fan is the guy who always seems to find himself in the right place, but at the wrong time.

A Matt Kenseth fan is the very successful guy who puts you to sleep when he makes a speech.

A Dale Jarrett fan is the very nice person who has always been willing to offer you a little advice, but one you don't dare cross because you know he'll kick the living crap out of you if you do.

Last, but certainly not least, a Kevin Harvick fan is the guy who will accuse you of stealing his morning newspaper even if you have no clue where he lives.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

NASCAR fans are a passionate lot, make no mistake about it. The vast majority of us have a favorite driver, and we are fiercely loyal to that driver, the team he drives for and the company that sponsors him. You've probably seen the slogan (or variations of it), "NASCAR, not a sport, but a way of life", and how can anyone argue with that since our shopping habits are dictated by the guy we root for on race day?

Not only do we buy the products produced or sold by our drivers' sponsors, but we'll go so far as to refuse to even think about buying something from a competitor. Faced with a clogged toilet, a Tony Stewart fan would pee in the trash can before he'd buy a plunger from Lowe's, and a Dale Jarrett fan would probably seriously consider walking cross-country to hand deliver a package before using FedEx (especially considering the fact that FedEx's representative on the track usually finds himself in a wadded up mess).

A Rusty Wallace fan would drink sewer water before he'd drink anything but Miller Lite (although some people will argue that the sewer water would probably taste better), a Jamie McMurray fan will push his car home before stopping at Shell, and no true Elliott Sadler fan would ever even think of eating a Reeses' Piece(s). Greg Biffle fans have absolutely no use for Quizno's, and if you ever see a Casey Mears fan shopping at Wal-Mart, it's a pretty safe bet that he's recently suffered a sharp blow to the head and doesn't know where he is (although it'll be tough to pick him out of the crowd since most of the people shopping there match that description). A Matt Kenseth fan will chew his way through a board before using anything but DeWalt tools and, on a totally unrelated note, the odds of a Mike Bliss fan using AOL are the same as the odds of Mike Bliss actually having a fan - net zero.

You'll never see a Michael Waltrip fan at Advance Auto Parts, and you'll never see a Dale Earnhardt Jr fan drink anything but Bud (if only because the empty Bud cans have been proven - by Dale Jr's fans - to be quite easy to throw onto a track). A Kurt Busch fan (Crown Royal) would never think of touching a drop of Southern Comfort (which is a wise decision, fan or not), a Robby Gordon fan would deal with the chafing from his Levi's before wearing Hanes underwear and a Carl Edwards fan would jot notes on his stomach (the fan's stomach, not Carl's) before going to Staples to buy Post-Its.

We are definitely a loyal lot, and any company that chooses to sponsor our favorite drivers will always be able to count on us spending our money on its products and services, even if it means driving a few hundred miles out of our way.

Oh, and for anyone that was waiting for a Mark Martin reference, there wasn't a chance in hell I was gonna go there.

On the Draft and Dirty Air

Okay, you're aware that there are two tracks on the circuit - Daytona and Talladega - where drivers use the draft to help them race and pass other cars. You've seen and heard numerous explanations from broadcast analysts attempting to explain just why and how the draft works, but to this day, do you understand any of it? Probably not, and that's where I come in with a simple scenario that will leave you an all knowing expert.

Imagine you're at a small social gathering. You've mingled a little, and are now in an interesting conversation with a few of the other guests when suddenly, the bean burrito you had for dinner makes a return visit in the form of gas, and is being pretty persistent about using the back exit. Realizing that you need to do something to avoid this becoming an embarrassing situation, you politely excuse yourself from the others and head off in search of the nearest bathroom.

Once safely inside the bathroom and behind a locked door, you let loose with something sounding like a fog horn on a docking ship and smelling like last week's garbage, dutifully turn on the room's overhead exhaust fan to help clear the air and nonchalantly return to your previous conversation. But to your shock, dismay and horror, you realize that the smell from hell has followed you and is now threatening the air supply of everyone in the room.

How did this happen? Well, on your walk back, your body basically cut a path through the air, and left a smooth slipstream in its wake. Being a die hard racer, the noxious brown cloud used that slipstream to not only follow you, but to catch up to you and say hi to the others. In a nutshell, it used the draft.

We all know how this is going to end: Everyone will be aware of the new presence in the room and will awkwardly try to carry on the conversation. You'll feel safe in the knowledge that no one knows you were the source of the offending fumes until some loud mouthed guy who has had a beer or two asks, "Shoooooooooooo! WHO FARTED???", at which point you'll find yourself involuntarily red faced, which will expose you as the one who introduced the new visitor to the room.

So, the next time this happens to you (and don't even try to tell me it hasn't ever happened to you), instead of feeling embarrassed and wishing you had never been born, take the opportunity to explain to the group how the draft works in NASCAR racing. Or, the next time you hear someone who has a question about how the draft works, just invite him or her to pull your finger and give a first hand demonstration. After all, you are the resident expert on the topic.

On The Wings of Goodyear?

Have you heard about the new state of the art hammer from Stanley Tools? It's superior to every other hammer in every way imaginable, and should never need to be replaced. One thing, though, it is recommended that you not strike any objects with force. Just tap them a little or the hammer could fail.

Or how about the new toothbrush from Oral-B? With a totally unique bristle pattern, and a strategically developed handle, this is the best toothbrush ever designed. However, brushing with vigorous strokes is discouraged, as it can shorten the life span of the brush.

These were the thoughts (the printable ones, anyway) that went through my mind when I heard Goodyear's explanation for the high number of tire failures at Pocono last Sunday. A Goodyear spokesman said - and I'm paraphrasing here, because I don't feel like looking up his exact quote - that there was nothing wrong with any of the tires, but rather the failures could be attributed to excessive use of camber, lower than recommended air pressure and hitting the curbs in the turns.

Two of those I can somewhat buy. Teams are well known for starting a set of tires with very low pressure, so no surprise there. Camber I question a little, because I can't imagine that teams were that aggressive on camber at this particular track to begin with. (For the uninitiated, camber speaks to the vertical alignment of the tires. At tracks with high banking, teams will set camber in a fashion where the front tires are leaning toward the inside of the track, with the idea that through the turns, the tires will make maximum contact with the pavement.) Two of the three turns at Pocono are basically flat, and the one that is banked isn't significantly so. I can go along with those two explanations, though.

But don't hit the curbs? Huh? News flash for Goodyear: those curbs are not new, and cars have been hitting them for as long as they've been there. Why should it have been such an issue this year? Maybe some of the blame lies with Goodyear after all, since this was a tire compound previously used only a couple times, and on tracks with higher banking? And how about good old NASCAR? Allowing the use of a tire with very little testing at this track on an "impound" race weekend was certainly not the brightest of moves.

So, what have we learned? We've learned that nothing is ever Goodyear's fault, basically. Anything that goes wrong is because of something the teams did, and NASCAR evidently agrees.

I can just imagine the instructions at the drivers' meeting before the Pocono race next month: "Okay, guys, let's go out there and have a fun, exciting and safe race. Race hard, but try not to go above 65 miles per hour if you can help it, don't hit the curbs and try to come to a complete stop before taking a turn. And for God's sake, when pitting, don't lock up your tires! Hit the car in front of you to help you slow down. These tires are fragile, guys, let's be careful out there."

I wonder if NASCAR has any interest in a new hammer?

New Stuff

You'll notice some new stuff on the right side of your screen (that's if you're a returning visitor, if this is the first time you've been here, you probably won't notice anything new). I've added some news links*, and will probably be trying some other things over the next couple days. I'm in the process of moving to my own website, and this is just a way to try a few things out so I know if I want to integrate them into the new site. Comments are welcome, as always.

Oh yeah, I should have a new post or two up within the next 24 hours. Possible topics? Well, Goodyear comes to mind right off the bat...












*When clicking on a link, right click and choose "Open In New Window". Left clicking will still take you to the linked site, but will take you out of this one.

A Glossary of NASCAR Terms (Sort Of...)

During a NASCAR broadcast, you'll hear the announcers use a variety of terms to explain things that are taking place during the race, but the problem, at least for the casual viewer, is that they don't always explain exactly what those terms mean. Being the helpful person I am, however, I'm going to take a little time out of my otherwise not so busy schedule to help you better understand a few things, and I think we'll all be better people for it. (Actually, that's a big fat lie, but it sounded better than saying I was just going to throw a few things against the wall to see if they stick.)

At any rate, here are some of the commonly used terms, and their often incorrectly used meanings:

ADJUSTING WEDGE has NOTHING to do with any activity which involves first getting a firm grip on the waist band of your buddy's underwear.

TAKING A POUND OUT OF THE RIGHT OR LEFT REAR does NOT involve liposuction.

SPRING RUBBERS are NOT a new seasonal condom from Trojan.

The TRACK BAR is NOT a place to hit on girls.

And on a related note.......

The REAR SWAY BAR is NOT a strip joint located near the track.

LOOSE LUGNUT is NOT a way of describing your drunken uncle at the last family reunion.

Increasing STAGGER does NOT involve downing another beer.

DIRTY AIR is NOT a way of describing your buddy's beer farts.

And...

The REAR SPOILER is NOT the output area of the aforementioned beer farts.

And...

SKID MARKS are NOT what your buddy will find in his underwear after cutting all those beer farts.

THE WIND TUNNEL is NOT a description of your mother-in-law.

LOOSE does NOT have anything to do with your neighbor's 18 year old daughter.

Come to think of it...

TIGHT doesn't, either.

HAPPY HOUR is NOT a great time to head to the TRACK BAR to hit on girls.

Making a SPLASH AND GO STOP does NOT mean the driver had to wizz really badly.

The HIGH GROOVE is NOT Shane Hmiel's favorite hangout.

A SPOTTER has NOTHING to do with dribbling pee down the front of your pants.

And last, but certainly not least...

ROOF FLAPS - Just in case you were wondering what they are, remember the immortal words of Larry McReynolds during a race broadcast, "See them flaps on the roof? Them are roof flaps".

I think that clears everything up, doesn't it?