A Glossary of NASCAR Terms (Sort Of...)

During a NASCAR broadcast, you'll hear the announcers use a variety of terms to explain things that are taking place during the race, but the problem, at least for the casual viewer, is that they don't always explain exactly what those terms mean. Being the helpful person I am, however, I'm going to take a little time out of my otherwise not so busy schedule to help you better understand a few things, and I think we'll all be better people for it. (Actually, that's a big fat lie, but it sounded better than saying I was just going to throw a few things against the wall to see if they stick.)

At any rate, here are some of the commonly used terms, and their often incorrectly used meanings:

ADJUSTING WEDGE has NOTHING to do with any activity which involves first getting a firm grip on the waist band of your buddy's underwear.

TAKING A POUND OUT OF THE RIGHT OR LEFT REAR does NOT involve liposuction.

SPRING RUBBERS are NOT a new seasonal condom from Trojan.

The TRACK BAR is NOT a place to hit on girls.

And on a related note.......

The REAR SWAY BAR is NOT a strip joint located near the track.

LOOSE LUGNUT is NOT a way of describing your drunken uncle at the last family reunion.

Increasing STAGGER does NOT involve downing another beer.

DIRTY AIR is NOT a way of describing your buddy's beer farts.

And...

The REAR SPOILER is NOT the output area of the aforementioned beer farts.

And...

SKID MARKS are NOT what your buddy will find in his underwear after cutting all those beer farts.

THE WIND TUNNEL is NOT a description of your mother-in-law.

LOOSE does NOT have anything to do with your neighbor's 18 year old daughter.

Come to think of it...

TIGHT doesn't, either.

HAPPY HOUR is NOT a great time to head to the TRACK BAR to hit on girls.

Making a SPLASH AND GO STOP does NOT mean the driver had to wizz really badly.

The HIGH GROOVE is NOT Shane Hmiel's favorite hangout.

A SPOTTER has NOTHING to do with dribbling pee down the front of your pants.

And last, but certainly not least...

ROOF FLAPS - Just in case you were wondering what they are, remember the immortal words of Larry McReynolds during a race broadcast, "See them flaps on the roof? Them are roof flaps".

I think that clears everything up, doesn't it?

Why Can't We Be Friends?

If you remember the last sentence from my Coca-Cola 600 post, you'll remember that I said the only thing certain about Dover was that it would be interesting from the start. After watching a full weekend of racing there, I think I was on the right path with that prediction. Some will probably say that the Cup race got a little boring, but if it seemed that way, it's only because there was lots of green flag racing, and the field always get pretty spread out when that happens. I thought it was a good race overall, with plenty of side by side racing and a lot of strategy being played out. But, as with any race weekend, there's always some bad to go along with the good...

Let's start with the weekend of Mr. Kyle Busch. During the Busch race on Saturday, Kyle was battling side by side with Kevin Harvick and eventually wrecked Harvick after driving too hard through a turn and pushing up the track. In one of those "you had to see it to understand what I'm telling you" moments, Harvick stayed in the throttle and pushed Kyle down off the track, across the apron and into a grassy area near the inside retaining wall. The onboard camera from Harvick's car showed him trying to quickly get his window net down, presumably so he could walk over to Kyle's car and offer a few driving tips. Kyle, not having any interest in learning anything from Kevin right at that moment, floored it, got his car loose from its muddy resting spot, and then proceeded to drive the wrong way on the track back to pit road. Harvick, during his post wreck interview, questioned Kyle's driving ability, as well as accusing him of having his head up an area I would have thought to be impossible for any creature with a spine. In Kyle's interview, he took the not so high road and accused Harvick of trying to murder him. Kyle had a solid run in the Cup race on Sunday, but even I started to question his head placement when he accused Jamie McMurray of blocking him at one point as "payback for Richmond". I'm not real sure where Kyle got the blocking theory, since Jamie was on the outside line and there was a car right next to him on the inside line. The only way Jamie could have gotten out of Kyle's way at that particular moment in time would have been to hang a hard right, pull into the front row of the stands and spend some time chatting with the fans, a practice which NASCAR obviously frowns upon. Kyle is a good driver, but he's very young - age 20 - and we can expect that a little more age will leave him seeing these types of situations in a much different light.

On to the biggest event of the Cup race - that being Lap 41 when Tony Stewart wrecked Jeff Gordon into the wall and out of the race. (Before I go any further, let me just say that if you were at this race, and you were one of the people I heard cheering when Gordon hit the wall, you should be ashamed of yourself. These guys are out there driving at dangerous speeds for our entertainment, and any time one of them wrecks there is a chance he could be hurt or worse. Whether you like a driver or not, cheering when he wrecks is wrong.) Gordon, who was admittedly a little slower than Stewart, found himself on the receiving end of a tap to the rear bumper, and around he went. These cars are so on the edge of out of control that it doesn't take much to get one out of shape, and it wasn't much of a tap, but it was enough. During his post wreck interview, Gordon blasted Stewart for being impatient, and promised that he'd pay Tony back. When Tony was interviewed, he quickly fired back that patience works two ways, and he felt like Gordon should have gotten out of his way. When looked at objectively, both drivers deserve to shoulder some of the blame for this one, but Stewart deserves more since he was behind Gordon and could have lifted a little to avoid contact. To his credit, Jeff didn't accuse Tony of attempted murder, and to Tony's credit, he didn't suggest that Jeff's head was any place but squarely on his shoulders where it belongs. But I do think it's safe to say they didn't get together for a beer and a few laughs after the race, either.

What else stands out this week? Brian Vickers took a well deserved vacation from wrecking people, Kurt Busch didn't self spin himself out of the race and the Ganassi drivers didn't see the need to end each other's race prematurely. Lost in a lot of the post race commentary is the fact that Greg Biffle (driving sideways a good deal of the time) flat out dominated the second half of the race, and won it easily.

Next up: Pocono. Perhaps the most beautiful track on the circuit, and certainly the most unique of the ovals, but not a fun track at which to watch a race. You bring the tickets, and I'll bring the No-Doz.