A Glossary of NASCAR Terms (Sort Of...)

During a NASCAR broadcast, you'll hear the announcers use a variety of terms to explain things that are taking place during the race, but the problem, at least for the casual viewer, is that they don't always explain exactly what those terms mean. Being the helpful person I am, however, I'm going to take a little time out of my otherwise not so busy schedule to help you better understand a few things, and I think we'll all be better people for it. (Actually, that's a big fat lie, but it sounded better than saying I was just going to throw a few things against the wall to see if they stick.)

At any rate, here are some of the commonly used terms, and their often incorrectly used meanings:

ADJUSTING WEDGE has NOTHING to do with any activity which involves first getting a firm grip on the waist band of your buddy's underwear.

TAKING A POUND OUT OF THE RIGHT OR LEFT REAR does NOT involve liposuction.

SPRING RUBBERS are NOT a new seasonal condom from Trojan.

The TRACK BAR is NOT a place to hit on girls.

And on a related note.......

The REAR SWAY BAR is NOT a strip joint located near the track.

LOOSE LUGNUT is NOT a way of describing your drunken uncle at the last family reunion.

Increasing STAGGER does NOT involve downing another beer.

DIRTY AIR is NOT a way of describing your buddy's beer farts.

And...

The REAR SPOILER is NOT the output area of the aforementioned beer farts.

And...

SKID MARKS are NOT what your buddy will find in his underwear after cutting all those beer farts.

THE WIND TUNNEL is NOT a description of your mother-in-law.

LOOSE does NOT have anything to do with your neighbor's 18 year old daughter.

Come to think of it...

TIGHT doesn't, either.

HAPPY HOUR is NOT a great time to head to the TRACK BAR to hit on girls.

Making a SPLASH AND GO STOP does NOT mean the driver had to wizz really badly.

The HIGH GROOVE is NOT Shane Hmiel's favorite hangout.

A SPOTTER has NOTHING to do with dribbling pee down the front of your pants.

And last, but certainly not least...

ROOF FLAPS - Just in case you were wondering what they are, remember the immortal words of Larry McReynolds during a race broadcast, "See them flaps on the roof? Them are roof flaps".

I think that clears everything up, doesn't it?